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A few jokes to brighten your day.

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A couple of Kiwi vs Aussie jokes to finish off with.
First the Aussie gets one over the Kiwi!

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand sees a farmer sitting on his front veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he stops and says to the farmer'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'  
Farmer: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' 
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' 
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' 

Farmer: (look of extreme shock)  
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the farmer) 
Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'  
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me 
great food 
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'  
Farmer: (look of utter disbelief) 
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' 
Farmer: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'  
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' 
Horse: 'Cool'

Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)  
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the farmer)  
Horse: 'Yep'

How does he treat you?’  
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Farmer: (total look of amazement)  
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' 
Farmer: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f---in' liar......

But the Kiwi gets one back!                                                     

A Kiwi wanted to become an Englishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this.
"Well" said the doctor, this will require a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain.
That's OK said the Kiwi. I've always wanted to be an Englishman so I'm prepared to take the risk.
The operation went ahead but the patient woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor.
I'm so terribly sorry!!!’the doctor said. Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out!!!’.
The patient replied, No worries cobber, she’ll be apples!!!’.